Today on the Jerry Cringer Show

- Jessica WU

Whispers of excitement linger in the air as the grand auditorium rumbles with anticipation. The audience members, each with expensive furs of exotic animals draped conspicuously around their aristocratic figures, hardly concealing their anthropomorphic features, sit impatiently, occasionally glancing around with an air of haughtiness. The lights dim, leaving six spotlights piercing the darkness, each illuminating a substantial box-like structure, its enigmatic contents concealed under a velvety covering. A hush falls over the crowd as the spectators adjust their positions, the plush seats creaking softly beneath them.

Wrapt in a glittering-silver suit that seems to catch every glint of light, the host bounces onto the stage with an infectious grin plastered across his face.

“Welcome, welcome, and welcome to the Jerry Cringer Show! Today, we are thrilled and honored to host the SPCA, the Society for the Promotion of Comical Animals, to help advertise their newest weird animals to adopt. It is so fantastic that you wonderfully kind folks are here to support them and adopt their pets. We will be introducing you to a lavish visual feast of six extremely diverse displays. First up, ladies and gentlemen, is… Can I get some drumroll please? Let’s welcome— The Classy Caucasian!”

Amid oohs and aahs, the velvety covering of the first box was whipped away. A tanned creature with a mane of thick, wavy blonde hair stood in the middle of a display case. Fanning itself, it feigned surprise at the sudden attention, striking ludicrous poses reminiscent of a flamboyant fashionista.

“Gorgeous, isn’t it? Known for their stupidity and pomposity, the Classy Caucasian requires constant care or it’ll throw a tantrum. Just look at its strut! You gotta let them be boss! But think twice before you buy! This breed is an extremely picky eater as each individual has its own preposterously sophisticated diet: vegan, vegetarian, pescatarian, flexitarian, ketogenic, fruitarian, rawism, the list goes on!”

Several audience members in the front seats nodded in approval and resumed their condescending gaze on the show.

“In need of a calculator? Craving an orchestra performance? Then the Accomplished Asians are who you’re looking for!”

With a flurry of movement, a diminutive, yellowish creature came into view, perched precariously on the edge of a chair, fervently scribbling away amidst towers of books. A closer examination revealed that it actually had eyes, but never once looked up, seemingly unaware that it was even on a display.

“Don’t be fooled by their tiny eyes, though. Watch in awe as these supernatural beings solve impossible math problems in a blink while mastering every instrument ever invented. Unlike the Classy Caucasians, however, the Accomplished Asians are incredibly tame and will obey every word of their master’s command. But beware, this breed may spontaneously break out into martial arts movements when stimulated.”

Murmurs of interest rippled through the audience. Then abruptly, a commotion erupted beneath one of the remaining displays.

“Some restlessness here. Let’s see what we have. The Belligerent Blacks!”

A brawny beast with charcoal-hued skin growled menacingly, pounding relentlessly at the iron bars of his cage.

“Careful, now, my dear friends!” Cringer had to shout over the commotion of banging and clanging. A staff member of the SPCA ran onstage, a syringe of pale liquid in his hand. With a swift motion, he stabbed the syringe into the beast’s back. A look of oblivion crossed its visage as the creature sank to the ground, breathing heavily. “Slight oversight of ours! No worries, we forgot to give them their hourly dose of heroin. As you’ve just seen, this particular type should be kept caged at all times, as they are highly aggressive. Nevertheless, behold their phenomenal innate athletic talents! We promise you that not a single individual of this breed we keep in stock is not destined to win the next Basketball World Championships. The fun isn’t over yet! We still have three more to go!”

The audience hushed, every gaze locked upon the next spectacle, exuding agitation.

“The Mystique Middle-Easterners!”

In a ginormous tank of… What is this? Oil? A dark figure floated around languidly, indulging in a chai latte from an exquisitely-embroidered golden cup.

“The Mystique Middle-Easterners will definitely charm you with their opulent lifestyles and overelaborate tales of faraway kingdoms. Heed that this species is only for ornamental purposes as they’ve never worked a single day in their lives— they’re all just swimming around in rich oil! Caution: may have a tendency to terrorize other breeds, so keep them separated.”

“Mmm. I don’t know about you all, but I smell some Casanova in the air. No doubt next up we have the Lavish Latinos! Passionate, vibrant, and vivacious, they are a spicy pet choice. Look out for their hot tempers!”

“Last but not least, this breed wasn’t discovered until recent times, as they were widely regarded by our scientists as extinct— the Noble Native Americans! A perfect companion for those who love nature! Watch these primitive, savage creatures communicate with animals and perform ancient rituals while smoking peace pipes. They also love an open fire.”

“Well, that concludes our show tonight, folks. Does anyone have any questions?”

A voice rang out from the audience, “What are their species called, though?”

“Great question! These oddballs call themselves ‘humans’, but— ”

“My god, they can’t be one species! Every breed falls into such prescriptive descriptions... This must be a fraud!”

“Ah-ha!” the host’s eyes twinkled just like his dazzling suit as he wagged his finger mischievously. “Close research of their genetics reveals that “humans” are actually 99.9% similar to each other.”

The audience gasped.

“Shocking, eh? These humans have mastered the art of categorizing the unimaginably similar. It’s absolutely astounding how that tiny genetic fraction of 0.1% can still inspire such a cacophony of perceived differences. After all, why settle to celebrate that 99.9% of similarities when one can revel in that 0.1% and magnify it into a tower of stereotypes?”